Mirror, Mirror on the wall, why do you make me look so fat?
Have you ever stood in front of a mirror, fully clothed or otherwise and wondered why the mirror added so many pounds that you didn't have five minutes ago?
Seriously. In my house there is a mirror that is sometimes my best friend and I feel like I'm Snow White and sometimes, I feel like the evil queen. It's like it chooses certain days to make me look fatter. It's a trick mirror. It's about 3 ft wide and 4 ft tall. It sits right at the end of the hallway, so I pass it a hundred times a day. I think it waits for me to be in a bad mood and make me look fatter just to irritate me. And when I'm in a good mood, it makes me feel pretty to make my day go that much better. I've seen some evil trick mirrors like this one before. Playing mind games to throw me off, to make sure I don't have too much confidence in my appearance. Sometimes I look at myself when I'm working out, and I think it's playing with me too. Sometimes it's polite and waves, and sometimes it's got this awful deceiving grin, like, "Hey girl, you look so awful doing that dance there. Stop, you're embarrassing me" Sometimes I find myself strategically planning my place to be sure that the evil mirror doesn't see me. The whole front wall and side wall is covered, so of course it can see me. So how do you deal with these trick mirrors? Take them down? Hide? Never look at yourself?
I've tried all of that. I still hide. As I just told you. It's not even a conscious decision to do so, I just do it, to protect myself. Like when I get out of the shower, there's three mirrors staring at me. It freaks me out. It's a completely different person standing there staring at me, judging my appearance. I have to cover up before brushing my hair because I feel those degrading eyes. I feel those looks, I feel the hatred. I feel it all coming to a boil and I don't want to hear it.
I used to think it was easily changed, write a note on the mirror to that nasty girl who makes comments about me, tell her where she can stick it. I thought I could just stand up to her. I thought I could say, "Hey, You go pick on someone else, I'm not having it." She's harder to get rid of than you think. She's always there. Staring and judging. You can go to any mirror and she's always there. The evil twin. She makes me into a mirror pariah. She shuns me, she is always in a state of disgust.
I've tried covering her up. Closing my eyes, hoping she won't ask me why I can't look at her. I try to turn away from her, but it's like a train wreck. You want to stop looking, but you just can turn your eyes away. I think she waits like a cat, waiting to pounce. I wish she was easier to sway. I wish she was easier to bring her to the light. I wish she would stop criticizing me. I wish I would stop criticizing me. I wish I would stop with the dirty looks at my self. There is no trick to a mirror, only a mind trick to the person who is using it.
My mind is constantly going. It's hard to turn off. I always have ideas and things on my mind. When I walk up to a mirror, I immediately find everything that's wrong with my face, hair and whatever I can see in that mirror. Why is my hair so brown? Why is my face so fat? Why is my hair not straight? Why am I so ugly?
It's sad. It's sad that I know I'm not the only one with this evil twin. I wish I could make every girl in the world tackle and beat the crap out of her evil twin and stand up with confidence and know that she is beautiful. We are beautiful, no matter what. It's just never that easy to tell ourselves that and a lot of times, not easy to tell another woman that. We walk in front of a mirror and see everything that we feel is wrong with us, and to make our own egos float again, sometimes we tear down another woman, who did the same thing 10 minutes ago. It's a vicious circle. If we're not doing it to each other, men are doing it to us. Someone is doing it to us or we're doing it to someone else.
I just read an article about the Victoria Secret's swimsuit catalog. It talked about the amazing bodies these women in there have and how awful the bathing suits looked on them. The bathing suits are made to be small. They're made to show more than women probably should show. Honestly, if you're comfortable showing it off, show it off. More power to you. I wish I had that confidence. I wish I could let people take pictures of me and not be so Amish. Yea. I said Amish. I hate having pictures of myself, and I've thought about making a sign to hold up that says "NO Pictures please". Those women in that catalog, worked very hard to be where they are. People think modeling is easy, and it's all fun, but those girls are picked on like 100 times worse than a normal woman. Their modeling agencies usually have a weight clause, pregnancy clause and other crazy things they are not allowed to do. And if they are too fat, they don't get paid. It's a tough world for those skinny heifers. I know I just called them skinny cows. Ha. Maybe they eat a lot of skinny cow ice cream. Which is pretty good, by the way. Back to that article, the woman was a mom. And obviously struggling with post baby weight and was intimidated by these women. I'm intimidated by them. The world perceives women as what they should be not as what they are, but that's another post in itself. I'm intimidated by them, but I think it's awesome they can have barely any clothes on, and feel proud. I wish that evil twin would let me do that sometimes. I'm betting some of those girls have an evil twin too. The next time you look in a mirror, think about that evil twin and tell her to shove it. I'm about to get ready for bed, and I think I'll have a stern talking to her tonight. At least until the morning, then she'll peer her evil judging eyes back at me.
Phat Fat Chick...
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