Phat Fat Chick: 2014

Tuesday, June 17, 2014

Evil food...My weaknesses...

I want to be encouraging. I want to get on here and write about this awesome day that happened today, and how I feel so amazing, because I ate this amazing kale salad and how I'm super awesome and how I was the only person in the world who never cheated on a diet or food plan. I want to be that for you. Here's the problem, I'm not perfect. I can't always eat like I'm supposed to. Anyone who tells you that they never eat a tempting food, is probably lying and is a closet eater. I have tons of flaws. I've written about 17 posts on the subject about weight and my personal views. I've also never been 100% honest with you about my true struggles, until yesterday. It was hard for me to write that post because I didn't want people to think less of me, but I felt invigorated. I don't want to be your Debbie Downer, but I also don't want to lie. I don't want you to think it's all rainbows and butterflies in this, because it's not. No one who has been on a true weight loss journey has been fortunate enough to have smooth sailing. These books that tell you it's so easy, it's simple. I've got news for you, those people have always looked that good. They didn't need their weight loss plans. It's not easy, it's not simple, and it sure aint pretty. I want to be raw, honest, and emotional. I want you guys to be helped by learning from my struggles and helped by conquering your goals by learning from my short falls. That's the whole point. I can't sugar coat it . Well I can, but I'd probably eat it. I love writing to you. I love the feeling when someone comments and says that they've been encouraged, or helped. It makes me smile. It helps me to keep going. I want those closet eaters, to understand, they're not alone. We all eat. Struggling will make winning that much sweeter, minus the sugar, and no I'm never going to be 100% without sugar. NEVER. Don't ask me to do it, because I won't. I don't need to. I can get to my goal with sugar and with my hundreds of pounds of failures.

Yes, I eat when I fail. I eat when I'm depressed, bored and sometimes just because I want to eat.

I say this all the time. I say it when I go to a buffet and sometimes just after every meal. I always tell myself that. I always convince myself to do better. But it's an addiction. There are people who would disagree on this subject, that food isn't an addiction, but you're very wrong. It is. It's become a coping mechanism. It's been my crutch to get me through everything in my entire life. I can't just stop eating. I'm not Gandhi and I'm not on a fast. I'm not detoxing, I'm not cutting out sugars, I'm not eating only hamburgers and eggs. I'm not doing that. I will not do that. I can't stand that. I will however, make better food choices, eat more vegetables, because in fact, I'm in love with fruit and vegetables. I love water. Swimming is one of my other addictions. I could live in a pool. I love to swim. That's something else. Ignore that. I love to drink water. I love how it tastes when it's ridiculously cold. I don't like hot water. I can drink water until I float. BUT, I love soda. I can't help it, I do. I love Pineapple Fanta, even though it's been months since I've had one, I could drink a whole 20 oz in a matter of minutes. I love diet sodas too. I know I know, the whole diet soda controversy, how they can make you gain weight. I love them though. I love most sodas. I love most juices. I love hot chocolate in the winter, and Slurpees in the summer. NEVER ask me to give those up. I just won't. I have the will power to do it, I just don't want too. I can accomplish what I want without having to cut those out of my life.

I love Slurpees. It's my worst weakness. No, I don't like Slush Puppies, those things are cheap knock offs of the best. I could drink a Slurpee every single day for the rest of my life, 3-4 times a day. No, I'm not drinking that sugar free one, or the diet coke one. I like the full sugar slurpee. If I want a sugar rush, that's how I'll get it. I'm more of a salty eater than a sweet eater, even though I have a weakness for those delicious luscious cold frozen drink. I love chips. I love pretzels. I love snack food. What am I saying, I love a lot of things. It's hard to pinpoint one weakness.

I struggle when I drive by a fast food window, or when I drive by a 7-11 and it's 90 degrees. I feel like the car is going to pull over, and eject me from my seat. It's never done that, but I'll be the first to let you know if it does. It's always me. I'm always the one in control. I am always the one who gets out of the car and goes in, or drives thru. I can hear that little angel on my shoulder telling me I shouldn't, then I hear the little devil saying, "Whose going to know?". You guys wouldn't know if I went to 7-11 everyday for the last week and got a Slurpee unless you saw me in there. You're not in my car 24-7, or attached at my hip. I can do as I please. I could have the common sense to ignore that evil voice, but I don't. Sometimes I give in and drive to McDonalds, Little Caesars, or 7-11. Smack my hand! Smack me in the face! Someone stop me!! I'm out of control. I know I can control myself, but sometimes I need that freedom. Sometimes I need to just let go and do what I really want, instead of being scared you'll see me in the drive thru. So if you're driving by, and see me getting McDonalds, or eating pizza, don't condemn me. We all have our own drive thru weakness. Yours may not be food, but you've got a weakness too.

I'll try to stay away from the drive thrus and 7-11's if you stay away from your weakness. What's your weakness and how can I help you stay away from it??! A food sponsor isn't really a bad idea. I'll call you when I've finished my happy meal. ;-)

Phat Fat Chick

Monday, June 16, 2014

Bullies...I have no use for them...

Bullies are just mean people who need to cut other people down to make themselves feel better. I have no respect for a bully. I have no remorse for the punishment bullies receive. I have no sad feeling for any bullies. I'm tired of people being mistreated and picked on for their looks. When someone is being bullied, the punishment should be cruel. It should be unusal. It should be tough. No holding back.

Now I have to be completely honest...I'm a bully. I'm a bully to myself. I'm ashamed. As I should be. Bullies are evil. For those who are just joining us, I messed up my knee. I can walk, but it hurts if I twist it too much, or try to walk to much and hurts going up and down stairs. I have really been hard on myself about it. I HATE missing my me time. I haven't been able to go for going on 3 weeks. It's not right. I don't like missing my dancing time, but I have to let myself heal, or it will be a lot worse. It's not getting better fast, because I can't learn when to stop. I walk up and down the hill at least twice a day to feed the chickens. Of course I could ask my dad to help me, but I don't want to make him to my job. It hurts. I hate being that baby of a person who can't do what I want. Yes, you'll see me walking fine one day, and later that day, limping. It's probably because I won't stop and rest. SO this week, I've made a decision. Either it gets better by Wednesday, or I'm going to dance anyway on Thursday. I'm tired. I can feel my body going down hill. I don't like it. I didn't sign up for this. So I've been bullying myself. I've been telling myself that I'm just making excuses. I could go to dance and do some of the steps and just be careful. I could do that. Or I could stay fat and blame it on my knee. I've been bullying myself saying that I'm pitiful, still using that knee excuse. I hate when someone asks me how my knee is, because I feel like they're saying that I'm using it as a crutch to avoid working out. I don't need to work out to lose weight. I've lost 60 pounds by just eating better before, but I enjoy working out. I love it. I'm not using this as a crutch, I'm honestly petrified about the consequences if I move too much or move the wrong way. I'm scared it will be so bad, that I can't walk. I know it's easy for some people to say to go to the doctor. I wish I could. I don't have a primary physician, because I never get sick. I never need one. So for an appointment, the earliest one is August. Sad I know. I could go to the ER, but that's long wait times, and a lot of money. SO I'm nursing myself back to health alone. And I'm hard on myself. All the time.

I look at myself in the mirror and I tell me, Man that outfit looks awful. I bet everyone is making fun of you. Why wouldn't they? I am always picking on myself about my weight. I'm always picking on myself about my hair. About my face. About how white my skin is. How I do certain things a certain way. I'm never nice. I never compliment myself. I set high expectations that normal people could never live up to. I push myself when I need to slow down. I push harder. I tell myself it's not worth the trouble, because I'm always going to be the same. I am never nice. If I were to say to someone else the things I say to myself, I think I could make anyone cry. I could make people cry, and I could hurt a lot of feelings. I'm a bully. I'm an obnoxious mean bully.

If I couldn't say it to you, then why do I say it to myself?? Because I'm my own worse critic. I have such high expectations for myself, and I feel like I can do better on most occasions that I never feel satisfied. I want to be the best me. And I feel like I'm not. I'm not a person to feel sorry for myself. I don't like sympathy for things I can't change. Bad decisions, those are my own fault. I'm a bully when it comes to my bad decisions. I can't just let them go, I beat myself up over them. I can't let anything go.

I've read stories about bullies, beating up kids, causing kids to commit suicide. It's a sad, sad thing. I have no use for bullies. I have no use for someone who needs to cut someone else down to make themselves feel better. Bullies are always just as imperfect as we are, they can just manipulate it to their advantage easier. There are going to be bullies everywhere in our life. Ourselves, the cashier, the coworker, our parents sometimes. It's impossible to go through life without ever encountering a bully. The best thing to do is remember that you're the best you. That's all that matters. Words are just words. They can't kill you.

I've seen some pictures on Facebook recently of larger women wearing bikini's and things that on a normal basis, most women do not wear. In my mind, I hear myself bullying them. I know, it's wrong. I hear myself saying things that aren't nice. I hear myself picturing myself in those outfits and cutting myself down. I can hear the negativity. It's like a poison. I'm upset about one thing, in this particular time, my knee issues, and I take it out on a lot of people. I've not been very nice. I know some people don't want to hear this, but it's true. I'm human. I'm struggling right now, and I'm miserable. I hate not being the best me. I hate not being in control. I hate not being a bully. I AM A BULLY. I have no use for that version of myself. I have no use for that girl. She sucks. I hate this current version of myself. The one who is too depressed to write her blog. The one who is too depressed to be me. I hate the bully that lives in me. So today, I'm going to shut her down. I'm going to ignore her and anyone else who has the same opinions. I'm doing the best me, I can at this point. Yes, my weight loss journey has hit a snag. Yes, I eat when I'm depressed. I'm human. All I can at this point, is pray and heal. It'll all be ok and it will all work out. I'm still the best me I can be right now.

Phat Fat Chick

Thursday, June 12, 2014

Trends....

A few things before I start in on it...I wanted to say, I'm sorry for missing a few days. When it rains here, the internet seems to be spotty and last night I couldn't get the page to load. So I apologize about that. Two, unfortunately, my knee isn't doing any better. It seems to be getting slightly worse. This morning, I woke up and could barely walk for the first little bit. This evening, the pain has subsided for the most part. So thanks for those who asked. ALSO, those who have been asking me about a Facebook page, for the blog, not yet. I don't have the time to do it right now, and I'm not sure it would have a lot of likes at this point in the baby stage of the blog.

WARNING: This is a controversial post. I am going to discuss trends that are not suited for people of my size. I'm sorry if this offends you, but I have the same opinion with some on this issue. I believe it's unattractive for any size. If you're plus size and you wear these trends, more power to you, but you won't see me supporting or wearing them.

I recently read these on another blog, and it says they are myths about "fat girl" rules, and they're being broken. credit: http://www.bustle.com/articles/26582-7-fat-girls-cant-wear-that-rules-totally-and-completely-disproven

1. Fat girls can't wear crop tops.

Well they can. It's not that they can't, but why would you? Why would anyone at any size?? I know I'm going to sound like a square and like a old lady, but I think we should cover up some parts of our bodies. Some things aren't meant to be shown. Men need mystery. Why should you show them something that should be intimate?? AND for me personally, I don't look good in cropped tops. I have a stomach, I don't show it. I think there are some things that should remain a mystery, and my stomach is one. I don't tuck my shirts in, because I don't want to see that infamous kangaroo pouch. I think it's hideous. And it has nothing to do with my personal view of myself, I just find that I don't like it, so I don't do it. It's a choice. I choose to be conservative and cover myself up. I'm not saying I walk around in a burqa, and cover my face, etc. I don't think anyone should. Just think about what you're showing before you do it.

2. & 3. Fat girls can't wear bright colors/ Fat girls can't wear bold patterns.

This one is completely false. I think anyone can wear any color. Granted, some colors look better on some than others, but as far as color, I'll never be one to shy away. I love colors. As for patterns, there are certain ones that aren't flattering, that I won't wear, but I definitely don't shy away from bold patterns. It depends on the pattern for each person.

4. Fat girls can't wear short shorts.

Again, they can. I think this is based on a persons height and the length of the shorts. There are girls who are size 2, wearing shorts so short, that they reveal a little too much. I do not need to see your butt cheeks hanging out the back of your shorts. I don't care what size you wear. I don't care if you're fat or skinny. My mom is short, so her shorts are a little longer, she's got short legs. I've noticed Old Navy has some seriously short shorts that if I was someone's mother, I'd never let them wear. I guess that's a different subject. Again, it's about mystery and not showing off everything that God gave you to strangers.

5. & 6. Fat girls can't wear tanks/Fat girls can't wear skirts above the knee.

These two are also false. I wear tanks all the time. I live in them. As far as the skirts, above the knee within reason is fine.

7. Fat girls shouldn't wear shirts that emphasize the belly.

True & False. There is nothing wrong with wearing a tight shirt. There is something wrong with wearing pants 3 sizes too small, and having a muffin top and then wearing a tight shirt. I think girls are so worried about the size of their pants instead of wearing the correct size. They're scared of the going up one or two sizes to make sure they fit.

I don't get why people feel they need to show everything like their chests, legs, butt, and other parts of their bodies. Most of the time it's for the wrong reasons. Are you really showing those things off for yourself?? Most women who wear clothing that is showing too much are trying to get the attention of a man/boy. They're trying to find a man or some one to love them. I'm not cutting them down. It's sometimes not something they understand. They don't understand why they feel the need to dress that way. Sometimes they do and they enjoy it. I just wish that more girls would figure out that dressing "slutty" to get a man, is going to get you a man that is not worth having. Why would you want a man that is only interested in seeing what else is under your clothes, then truly being with you? Of course, every man wants an attractive girl. And every girl wants an attractive man. But we need to figure out where the line is.

Fat girls aren't the only ones that need to hide their bodies. I know that most fat people are embarrassed to show skin in fear of what people think, but why not be embarrassed to show skin because of who it makes you become? If you have to make yourself available by showing skin, then why make yourself available. I know dating is hard for women, especially fat women. I know some men are always looking for the next best thing, or the next hottest thing, but that's my point. If you met a man, who was interested in you for what you look like, like your size, clothes, etc., what makes you think when those things disappear he'll stick around?? People in general are selfish. People are interested in being the best. I understand that. I love being the best. I love competition. I just never will succumb to trends to make myself feel better. Losing weight for me is not a trend. I am changing myself because I want to be healthy. I want to be around for another 60 years. I have dreams. I know if I continue on this path, that I won't be here. That's why I'm changing. Not for anyone else. Not for a man. Just for me. When I get to my goal weight, you won't see me in dresses that are too short, or shorts that are too short. You'll see me in the same things I've always worn. I won't change who I am.

Phat Fat Chick

For those who were interested in the meetings....The library apparently isn't interested in helping us. So we'll have to do it on our own. I'm working on figuring out the details. It will be at my house. I'll keep you updated when I have the start date, but it should be in July. Thanks.

Monday, June 9, 2014

Only Green...say what??!

So today, was a nice day out. I went swimming with my family. It was my nephew's 4th birthday, so we were having a party up on the deck when my brother was talking about this "eating only green vegetables" diet. SO I looked it up. I haven't heard of it, and I didn't know it actually existed. Apparently it's popular for athletes. I've never supported a diet plan like this and I'm still not, I'm just telling you the things I've read.

I don't believe it's healthy to eat a certain type of food for an extended period of time. It can cause dramatic body changes if not correctly when you start eating another food. And you need protein. I don't drink protein shakes, and I don't take pills. I'm very tired of hearing commercials for "Complete Nutrition" or for other pill programs. They may work for some, but I don't believe in un-natural things like pills for weight loss. My dad was able to eat salads for every meal, no protein, and it caused some issues that we noticed, like mood swings, and other issues. He had a protein deficiency and it caused him to be a very aggressive person at times. We changed his diet, and he went back to his large jolly self. I've tried to read as much about different diets that I could. I can't stick to a diet. It's hard. I like creating my own food plans based on information I have, and work from there.

With the green vegetables, it's pretty self explanatory. You eat a ton of green vegetables. It'd be a great thing, if I had a juicer. I don't. If you have one and want to gift me one, I'll send you my address. I love Kale. I have been to classes where they have used Kale as a salad base, and I truly enjoy it now. It stinks, and it's bitter, unless you know how to fix it. I have a recipe for a salad dressing that is phenomenal on kale. You have to massage kale to break down some of the enzymes in order to get some of the bitterness out of it. I'll have to look for that recipe. I have said I don't like lettuce very often. I don't. I wish I could eat it more, but it's just not for me. I do love some spinach though. Yummy. So for me, I don't think I could do the green vegetable diet. I need some color. It also goes against some of the information that I've gotten from other classes I've attended. I've always been told about phytonutrients, and that we should be eating a rainbow of colors during our meals. So this goes against some of my previous beliefs and understandings. It doesn't mean it's wrong, it just means it's different.

Since I wanted to know what vegetables were the best for you, I looked it up. I couldn't get the chart to paste here, so you'll have to follow the link. Sorry about that.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/dr-mercola/vegetable-diet-_b_813591.html

It shows that most vegetables are great for your diet, except potatoes. My weakness. I love all potatoes. It can be a sweet potato, red potato, blue potato or purple. I'm a sucker for them. I love them hundreds of ways. I just can't get enough of them.

While I was looking this up, I came across livestrong.com. They actually have a great website for tracking food, exercise, weight loss and other things that you may find beneficial. I would definitely suggest looking it up. It seems to be very detailed and things you can simply do at home.

Rather you're dieting with me, or just eating more vegetables, you're doing amazing. You may not see immeadiate results, but remember, any change you make in your lifestyle, is a step in the right direction.

Phat Fat Chick

Sunday, June 8, 2014

Turn Around, I'll find it...

First things first...Today would have been my grandma's 78th birthday. So Happy Birthday Nanny.

Have you ever heard about someone talking about losing weight, then someone says turn around I'll find it?? I always hated that. I always hated when people said that about someone. It's amazing when someone loses weight, it's not a joke. It's not something to make fun of. It's not something to take lightly.

If you think about how much a pound is, it's about 3 potatoes. Take 3 potatoes and carry them around all day. Think about how much of a pain that is. Take 5 pounds, carry around a 5 pound bag of potatoes all day. You're arms will be exhausted. We think of losing a pound or 5 pounds as a loss, but not a giant victory. ANY WEIGHT LOSS IS A GIANT VICTORY. I don't care if you lose half a pound, 1/4 of a pound, a loss is a loss. I don't condone checking a scale on a daily basis, it tends to lead to disappointment and failure. Most women who weigh themselves everyday find themselves on a track that causes nothing but problems. They get depressed when they gain a pound, they get caught up in single pounds, and "numbers', they lose sight of what it important.

I know it's hard. It's hard for me. I wish I could check every hour of the day to measure what I am gaining. I wish I could check every hour and get a pound loss every time. It'd be pretty amazing. I'd be losing weight so fast, I'd be really happy. I've always heard that when weight is lost fast, it's gained back just as fast if not faster. I've read diet books. I've read ways to lose weight. I've seen the mottos, mantras, and anything else that could be used to lose weight. The atkins diet, eat less carbs. Weight Watchers, count points. If those have worked for you and you've lost weight, that's awesome. I'm proud of you. It's more than I can do. I've mentioned it before, I believe Weight Watchers is a great program, I just don't believe in paying the $12 a week for it. I think group weight loss works, like the beach body programs, I just don't believe in paying for those. I don't think paying for a process to lose weight will set me up for success. I disagree. I think we have to pay for too many things in life, and I don't think it makes it a successful atmosphere for my particular personality. Maybe I'm just too cheap.

I believe that we all have the strength to overcome obstacles in weight loss. It takes a lot of focus. It's hard. If it was easy, no one would be fat. We'd all be able to walk around in bikinis and show off our killer bods. We wouldn't have a plus size section. There are always advertisements for pills to help lose weight, or powder to sprinkle on your food to shrink your cravings. It never works. How about we use a little hard work?? That's what's wrong with the world. I'd get into that, but that's another post. Hard work. Work hard, determination and don't be afraid. Fear is a very difficult path. I've been working on this myself. I'm always scared of something. Scared of what someone will think of me, scared of rejection, scared of failure. All of these things are real. Scared of failure, what if I'm writing this blog and I fail? I can't lose weight? Will you stop reading because then I'm just a fat girl who can't lose weight and obviously can't help you lose weight? It's a scary thought. If I dedicate myself and work hard, what if it just doesn't happen?? It's part of life. I'll never please everyone. Even when I lose weight, someone may not like me. I've learned I need to work on my outlook. I need to think positive and not be afraid. If you don't like me, you don't. I can't make people like me.

I'm excited and I hope you'll stay with me on this journey.

I had planned on sharing a recipe tonight, but I couldn't get to the book tonight. I'll try to dig it out tomorrow. Thanks for reading.

Phat Fat Chick

Saturday, June 7, 2014

Perception vs. Reality...The Numbers Game

Ok, I lied. I apologize. I didn't mean to miss two days on writing. Technically 3, since I didn't write the other day on what I should write about. I have been super busy. We've been preparing for a yard sale, and I have been cleaning like a mad person. I have neglected a lot lately. I feel like I've been ignoring everything. So I can't make a promise I won't miss days, we're about to start a remodeling project on a bedroom, build a chicken coop and some other renovations. SO I can't guarantee. ;-)

Ok, so I said we were planning a yard sale. I went through my clothes, and luckily I had some that were now to big. SO I was able to get rid of some of them. It's always a nice feeling to get rid of clothes that are too big. It's better than having to get rid of them because they're too small. Honestly, this week, missing dance, I feel like I've gained a few pounds. It could just be in my head too. Since I'm against a scale right now, there's no way to verify my accusations against myself. I put the clothes out, and I watched people all day. I got a little sunburnt, but thankfully, it'll add nicely to my tan.

I watched people all day. Before I get into this whole story, let me tell you about this lady that stole from me. No I didn't chase her down like a criminal, I think I'll just say an extra prayer for her tonight, because obviously she's having a hard time or definitely may have a mental problem. Ok, so I had about 20-30 paper lanterns. Giant ones. I was planning on selling them for like .50 cents. I look over and a lady is looking at one, she picks it up and walks to the other side of the yard where the other things are. I see her look over at me, and then walk away. Walked straight down the street with it in her hands. I didn't say a word. If she felt she needed to take such a small thing and not pay for it, either she's having a really hard time and can't afford 50 cents, or she's mentally unstable. So what else can you do? She'll pay for that mistake eventually. She may never realize it, but she will. So she needs a little forgiveness.

I was watching other people and I noticed that women, close to my size, think they are too small for my clothes. And I thought about it, do they really think they are smaller than I am or are they embarrassed to shop on a plus size rack?? I watched women all day. I watched them pick up things and make remarks like they're too big or I'm too small for that. Maybe it's their perception of themselves. Maybe they have an idea of what they look like in their mind and reality can't shake that?? It's not my place to judge someone's size, but when clothes range in certain sizes from my mom and myself, it seems like they may be perceiving themselves as a different size than they actually are.

I've been in this mind frame. I still can be at times. I've looked at myself in the mirror and couldn't understand why I wear the size I do. I've felt like I am smaller than I am. I've looked at clothes and thought they would fit me, or maybe be a little baggy, and when I get home I've found out they didn't fit. Clothes are hard to decipher and it's hard to figure out if they'll fit. I get that. I just think that sometimes women are wearing clothes that are a little too tight, because they're scared of the awful number game.

I'm always afraid of the game myself. It shouldn't matter but it does. I'm always afraid of going up that dreadful size. One number up, and it makes me paranoid. I freak out when I see the difference in numbers. Some clothes are cut smaller and you need a bigger size. I hate that. When I bought my wedding dress, I about died when I had to get a size that was about 3 sizes bigger. The ones in my size fit a little tight, but I just wanted it to be perfect and those weren't perfect. I wanted to be able to breathe. When that number kept having to go up, I thought I'd pass out. It was a miserable feeling.

When I went to buy bigger clothes, it's a miserable feeling. It's a game you play with yourself to see who wins. It's never me. At least it hasn't been me. I'm hoping I never have to buy bigger clothes again. I'm never playing again. It's like a game in Vegas where all the odds are against you. House always wins. Not this time. It won't be a losers game for me, at least not a losers game in the way that I'm the one who gains weight. I will be the winner and loser of weight.

So to help those on the same track, hopefully starting tomorrow, I'll be able to share some recipes with you. I found an old recipe book that worked for my mom when she went from like an 18 to an 8. So check back tomorrow. Thanks for reading.

Phat Fat Chick

Wednesday, June 4, 2014

Now is Good

A little different than my normal subject, but I wanted to share something with you.

I just watched a movie on Netflix. If you know me, you know I'm obsessed with British shows & movies. So I was looking on Netflix for something to watch. I found the movie "Now is Good". It has Dakota Fanning in it, and I'm normally not a fan of hers, but this movie was amazing.

I don't remember the lead actor's name, but he was exceptional as well. Let me preface the movie and tell you that the movie is different. It's not exactly a normal movie. It's an independent movie, so it's kind of low budget.

Anyway, it's about a young teenager who has leukemia and has limited days. She falls in love with this guy, and it's just an amazing romance. It's one that most girls dream of. Yea, I'm a hopeless romantic. It's a tear jerker and I cried for like the whole last hour. Just fair warning.

I apologize for not writing a whole lot tonight, I got so wrapped up in the movie, and now it's my bedtime. I couldn't stop watching. That happens a lot though, I get into movies, especially like Ever After, or Pride and Prejudice. I'll try not to wrap myself in a movie tomorrow night. ;-)

Phat Fat Chick

Tuesday, June 3, 2014

I like big butts...I cannot lie...

First, let me say, I'm not talking about other people's butts, but the chickens. I have a chicken, Gatsby, she's got the biggest butt of all the chickens. I know I shouldn't point that out, but man, she's huge. I've been singing to her, I realize that may in fact hurt her feelings, I probably need to stop.

I'm in love with my chicks. All of their big butts or not. They're super adorable, and when they see and hear me, they come running to the door. SO sweet. It was super sweet tonight that I didn't have to pick them up to get them into their house. They went on their own. Smart girls. My dad broke their laying box tonight. He was being silly leaning on the box, and it broke. Ugh. Good thing, we're going to be building them a new area. Hopefully with another set of laying boxes. I've got mosquito bites up and down my legs. I hate it. I want to rip my own legs off. It's hard because the coop is at the bottom of the hill, we don't have steps, and there's pine needles on the way down, and I can't exactly walk the best right now with my knee still being swollen, so it's a unique experience getting down there to see them. I love every minute of it though. It's awesome having pets.

Ok, so back to big butts. And other things related...Guess what, she's got a big chicken butt. Gatsby, aside, some of us have larger butts. I was watching Psych, a favorite show of mine, and he was talking about chubby chasers...It's sad that there's a name for a guy who likes a girl with a little meat on her bones. I think it's awesome if a guy can get past her looks and accept what's on the inside. That's a hard thing to find these days. A genuine man. A guy who likes big butts, & he cannot lie. If you know the song, he's actually referring to a version of Kim K. Pre-baby, she was a girl with a itty bitty waist and junk in her trunk. She's still got junk in her trunk, but the back seat and front seat got a little bigger. It happens with those having had a baby. And it's harder for some to lose the baby fat. I've never had a baby, and I'm still fat. So who am I to judge. I don't particularly care for Kim K. or Kayne, but it has nothing to do with her size. Her personality from what I've seen, is not that appealing. That's a completely separate post and it'd take way to long for me to explain that situation.

I do think it's very unappealing that women are disgraced for their bountiful blessings on their bodies, no matter where they are. Junk in the trunk, Junk in the front end, or just junk everywhere. I recently read a story about Justin Bieber. He called a girl a beached whale and told her she needed to go on the biggest loser. Let me tell you something, if he had said that to me, I'd be in jail for beating up a pipsqueak. That's super disrespectful, and I'm sure that I'd have enough to say while pummeling him, but I can't believe that a girl took this from him. It's reported that she didn't say a word to him. Wow, girl you deserve props for not showing him what a beached whale can do. I can't imagine what would be going through his mind or the girl's mind. Was she shocked? Was he high?? You don't speak to anyone that way. Especially not a fan. She's helping you to buy houses, mistreat monkeys, get drunk, driving expensive cars that you can't reach the pedals in. I've never understood why celebs think they are so much greater than us. They're just people. People who God blessed them with a talent. It's not like their immortal. It upsets me that a girl thinks Bieber is that awesome, that she has to take that from him. Reports say she was a size 14. Really?? A 14 is a beached whale?? Dude, check your facts, some whales are upwards of 2500 pounds. Really, that girl is not even close. I've never seen a person the size of a whale. It's just ignorant. I'm over you beebs. It's time you were deported and time your mother taught you how to have respect for others.

I think famous people are under a lot of scrutiny and I feel sorry for those who gain weight. Jessica Simpson, girl, you really need to stop. She keeps doing these Weight Watchers commercials, which is a great thing for a girl needing a little push, but it also sets her up for failure. She's watched about her weight, 100 times more. People wait for her to fail so they can write articles about it or they can talk about how Weight Watchers doesn't work if you fall of the wagon. They're right. It doesn't. Once you stop Weight Watchers, a lot of people gain the weight back, because you aren't choosing a different lifestyle, you're choosing a weight loss plan. Once the plan is over and you're at your goal weight, you have to keep going, or it will all return. I read something very interesting in a Curves Fitness book. I don't go to Curves and I don't do Weight Watchers. They're all a waste of money for me. Anyway, I read that if you take 2 weeks, eat a certain calorie intake, you'll loose weight(dependent on your weight), and then the next 4 weeks go up in calories, you'll plateau, but then the next 2 weeks, go back to the original calorie intake, you'll lose weight. It's a different idea, and I've never done it before. I like reading new approaches to calorie intake, and things of that nature. I can't do a carb diet. It's annoying to me. I can't eat hamburgers, no bread, and eggs, forever. It's not feasible. I can't do a strict salad either, I dislike lettuce. Except on occasion. I really need a plan that's laid out for me specifically. And I'm working on one that works best for me now. I love to cook. I love lean turkey vs. red meat. That's a huge deal for me. I have always loved hamburgers, but I've really taken to the lean turkey/chicken. I crave it. Water too. I used to hate water, not my body craves it. It's a habit thing I think too. I got in the habit of drinking more water, so it's easier to drink it now. I know this post took on a life of it's own. I get going and tree branch stems out and I'm off on that branch instead of the original one.

Before I go, I want to say, thank you for those who have been wishing me well on Facebook with my knee. I am actually getting a little irritated with the situation, and it's just not a good feeling. It's a little depressing. I love to dance at Just Dance Roanoke Monday-Friday at 9:30, with two amazing instructors, Leticia and Liza, and this week with my knee, I can't. I feel incomplete, but I also can't take the chance of doing serious damage. If it doesn't get better in the next few days, it looks like I may have to go see a doctor. :-( Thank you for all your prayers and well wishes. I'll be back at normal in no time. **Crossing fingers**

Phat Fat Chick

Sunday, June 1, 2014

Secondhand...Lot, what a crazy dude...

First things, first. I have baby peppers growing on my pepper plants, herbs growing, tomatoes growing, and some squash starting to bloom. I got really excited when I saw a baby pepper poking out on one of my green pepper plants. Small things excite me. Today has been a busy day. My parents are in the process of remodeling parts of their house. They're working on their bedroom now, so we had to find a flooring, wall color and flooring to finally finish their kitchen. I was busy all day after church and I didn't think I'd have the energy to write tonight. Especially after falling down the stairs tonight and twisting my knee pretty badly. I think I'm getting super old, because it seems every week a new ailment starts. Last week was swimmers ear and some other issues, this week it's my knee. Can I please get a break??!

Anyway back to what I was originally going to write...I get so sidetracked, I could write a whole article on my plants, and ailments.

So I'm going to take this idea from Pastor Paul...I'm a thief, what can I say? It was an awesome sermon this morning and I think it has some serious relevance to this journey. Title of his sermon:
Lot doesn't Perc. SO for those who are not avid Bible readers or just don't know the story of Lot, let me simplify. Lot and Abram were living on a certain piece of land, the land could not support both families. So they made a decision, that they would go their separate ways. Lot would go one way and Abram the other. So Lot chose the way he wanted to go and Abram went the other. Lot chose the city of Sodom. A city full of deceit and evil. Essentially a olden time Las Vegas. Lot was comfortable in this lifestyle and loved being rich in this land. The Lord sent two men to warn Lot that this city was to be destroyed for it's awful lifestyle. As the city was being destroyed, his family was told to leave and never look back, his wife turned back and was turned into a pillar of salt. Basically, he moved into the mountains with his daughters. His daughters got him drunk and impregnated themselves with his children. So Lot doesn't Perc? What does that have to do with the story? It has to do with compromising. It has to do with tolerating sin for this particular story. Lot tolerated sin, compromising his faith to live in Sodom and be rich. What does it have to do with my journey?

Sometimes I don't perc. I compromise. I tolerate. I'm a version of Lot. No I'm not living in Las Vegas and I'm not a stripper, but I'm also not perfect and I compromise. If it's easier to compromise to make things a little simpler, why not right?

Think about it this way...

If I compromise today, I say I'll eat a donut for breakfast. Eat what I should for lunch and dinner. Then tomorrow, why couldn't I compromise again? What's stopping me? Yea I could tell myself to not do it, but what happened yesterday that would make me think I couldn't?? Compromise and Toleration are a slipper slope in a case like this. I can slip up, and cheat, who doesn't. I can do it once in a while, but that's different than when I'm compromising. If I'm doing it for the wrong reasons, like I'm too lazy to fix what I should fix, or someone else doesn't like it, or it takes too long. Those are all bad excuses. Get up a little earlier to be sure I have time, tell them to fix their own food. There is always a right way and a wrong way. Shortcuts and compromises can sometimes be a bad thing.

Compromising can be a good thing in a marriage. Like what color you should paint your house. Compromise on that. Don't sacrifice your health for someone else. It's not their health. It's not their body fat. It's not their body. It's yours. Take control. Accept consequences.

Pastor Paul brought up a good thing when he was telling the story of Lot this morning. He said don't be a secondhand Christian. Which made me think...He said, if you can't walk alone with God, and you're depending upon someone else for your faith, you're a secondhand Christian. He's right.

It's the same with a lot of life choices. I'm a secondhand weight loss person. I always feel like my decisions are directly based on what other people in my household choose. It's hard to be that person that is not eating a donut when every one else is biting into one and you have to watch. It's hard being the one when something looks delicious like Kraft's Mac and Cheese and you can't eat it. It's not easy being alone on a journey. It's not easy being the only one who does something and it's not cool. It's not cool to be a party pooper and sit there and not enjoy the same things they are. It may not be cool, but I know I feel better having said no. I feel better showing will power. I feel stronger in my path and my journey. So remember, it may not be cool, but it's worth it.

Phat Fat Chick

P.S. I don't normally feel compelled to spread this much of the Word with some of you, but tonight it's heavy on my heart. I feel like someone is supposed to read this, and this is what I need to say. SO if you're uncomfortable with this, stop reading. I'm sorry, but it's needed somewhere. We're never alone. My journey has not been alone one step of the way. I can feel God cheering me on every step of the way. I feel like he's sitting next to me cheering me on telling me that it's all going to be ok. God is with you. God is with me. He is everywhere and he is cheering us on. He's there. He's there to be your shoulder to cry on or the one you praise when something awesome happens. Today, has been an exceptionally praise day for me. A lot of things have changed and I feel like he deserves the most praise and thanks. I suggest that if you're not sure who is on your path or journey with you, come to Parkway Wesleyan on Sunday, June 8th. I don't know everything about the Bible, but if you're unsure about something and not sure about your faith, come to me. I'll be happy to share what I know, tell you a little more about my testimony, even the more recent part of it and I'll be happy to get you answers for the questions I don't know. And I'll always pray for you. If you ever need prayer, just shoot me an email.

Saturday, May 31, 2014

Bridget Jones & Relationships

Have you ever seen "Bridget Jones:The Edge of Reason"?

If not, you're missing out. I love this movie. Bridget Jones, played by Renee Zellweger, is a real woman. She's sometimes a misled woman who is completely out of her league with her new boyfriend, Mark Darcy is a lawyer who is in a different class. He's stiff and not at all like her. They make a cute couple.

Honestly, sometimes I feel like Bridget Jones. I feel like the American version of her. I wish had such an awesome accent. I'd love to live in London too. I'm actually hoping one day to move there. Anyway, she's complicated, a little pudgy and completely out of her league. One of my favorite parts is when she is getting out of bed, she wears a sheet. He asks her what she's doing and she tells him she doesn't want him to see her wobbly bits. He then tells her he loves her wobbly bits. So she immediately gains confidence. Super cute. I love that part. The whole movie is filled with her making simple mistakes, and funny things that happen to her. Like her lying about being able to ski, and she gets stuck on the ski lift. Her messing up her makeup to go into a room full of people who her boyfriend works with. Hilarious. I love her attitude. It's classic me.

I always feel like that I'm out of my league. I feel out of place, I feel confused sometimes on where I belong. I understand how it feels. I'm always going to be different. I'm always going to be that girl. I'm always going to be Bridget Jones. I have been in a lot of the same situations as she was. I've been in that relationship she was in. I forced it into what I wanted it to be instead of what it was. I'm good at doing that. Forcing issues, forcing relationships.

I've recently been cleaning out the basement. I found a lot of things from my wedding. It makes me nostalgic for those times, when we were happy. Oh, don't get me wrong, I don't miss him at all. It was the best thing that ever happened to me, a giant burden was lifted when we separated. I just remember the feeling she has in the movie. I wanted to get married. I thought it was all that mattered in the relationship. I wish I would have made it a little less important and focused on myself a little more. This reason, is exactly why I haven't entered into a serious relationship. I'm positive that I'm not happy with me, and if I'm not happy with me, I definitely can't be happy with someone else.

It took me a very long time to come to this realization. As soon as we were separated, I thought I needed someone else in my life. I didn't think I could be alone and be me. I went through a lot of issues, depression, a lot of crying. I know it's sad, and I hate that I wasted that much time on that person. I do hate that I wasted time, but I have not 1 regret. If I hadn't experienced what I did, then I wouldn't be who I am. I've been the Bridget Jones who wears a comforter, checking messages, eating ice cream and crying. I've been that sad pathetic girl. After that, I refused to be that girl anymore.

Just like now in my life. I've decided that I'm not that girl anymore who eats whatever she wants. The only person I'm hurting is myself. I can decide what path I take.

I'm very thankful that I haven't been arrested like she was. That's one thing I'll pass on. Especially in a Thailand jail.

We're all Bridget Jones in some way. We just need to find our confidence.

Phat Fat Chick

Friday, May 30, 2014

Mirror, Mirror...I hate my evil twin

Mirror, Mirror on the wall, why do you make me look so fat?

Have you ever stood in front of a mirror, fully clothed or otherwise and wondered why the mirror added so many pounds that you didn't have five minutes ago?

Seriously. In my house there is a mirror that is sometimes my best friend and I feel like I'm Snow White and sometimes, I feel like the evil queen. It's like it chooses certain days to make me look fatter. It's a trick mirror. It's about 3 ft wide and 4 ft tall. It sits right at the end of the hallway, so I pass it a hundred times a day. I think it waits for me to be in a bad mood and make me look fatter just to irritate me. And when I'm in a good mood, it makes me feel pretty to make my day go that much better. I've seen some evil trick mirrors like this one before. Playing mind games to throw me off, to make sure I don't have too much confidence in my appearance. Sometimes I look at myself when I'm working out, and I think it's playing with me too. Sometimes it's polite and waves, and sometimes it's got this awful deceiving grin, like, "Hey girl, you look so awful doing that dance there. Stop, you're embarrassing me" Sometimes I find myself strategically planning my place to be sure that the evil mirror doesn't see me. The whole front wall and side wall is covered, so of course it can see me. So how do you deal with these trick mirrors? Take them down? Hide? Never look at yourself?

I've tried all of that. I still hide. As I just told you. It's not even a conscious decision to do so, I just do it, to protect myself. Like when I get out of the shower, there's three mirrors staring at me. It freaks me out. It's a completely different person standing there staring at me, judging my appearance. I have to cover up before brushing my hair because I feel those degrading eyes. I feel those looks, I feel the hatred. I feel it all coming to a boil and I don't want to hear it.

I used to think it was easily changed, write a note on the mirror to that nasty girl who makes comments about me, tell her where she can stick it. I thought I could just stand up to her. I thought I could say, "Hey, You go pick on someone else, I'm not having it." She's harder to get rid of than you think. She's always there. Staring and judging. You can go to any mirror and she's always there. The evil twin. She makes me into a mirror pariah. She shuns me, she is always in a state of disgust.

I've tried covering her up. Closing my eyes, hoping she won't ask me why I can't look at her. I try to turn away from her, but it's like a train wreck. You want to stop looking, but you just can turn your eyes away. I think she waits like a cat, waiting to pounce. I wish she was easier to sway. I wish she was easier to bring her to the light. I wish she would stop criticizing me. I wish I would stop criticizing me. I wish I would stop with the dirty looks at my self. There is no trick to a mirror, only a mind trick to the person who is using it.

My mind is constantly going. It's hard to turn off. I always have ideas and things on my mind. When I walk up to a mirror, I immediately find everything that's wrong with my face, hair and whatever I can see in that mirror. Why is my hair so brown? Why is my face so fat? Why is my hair not straight? Why am I so ugly?

It's sad. It's sad that I know I'm not the only one with this evil twin. I wish I could make every girl in the world tackle and beat the crap out of her evil twin and stand up with confidence and know that she is beautiful. We are beautiful, no matter what. It's just never that easy to tell ourselves that and a lot of times, not easy to tell another woman that. We walk in front of a mirror and see everything that we feel is wrong with us, and to make our own egos float again, sometimes we tear down another woman, who did the same thing 10 minutes ago. It's a vicious circle. If we're not doing it to each other, men are doing it to us. Someone is doing it to us or we're doing it to someone else.

I just read an article about the Victoria Secret's swimsuit catalog. It talked about the amazing bodies these women in there have and how awful the bathing suits looked on them. The bathing suits are made to be small. They're made to show more than women probably should show. Honestly, if you're comfortable showing it off, show it off. More power to you. I wish I had that confidence. I wish I could let people take pictures of me and not be so Amish. Yea. I said Amish. I hate having pictures of myself, and I've thought about making a sign to hold up that says "NO Pictures please". Those women in that catalog, worked very hard to be where they are. People think modeling is easy, and it's all fun, but those girls are picked on like 100 times worse than a normal woman. Their modeling agencies usually have a weight clause, pregnancy clause and other crazy things they are not allowed to do. And if they are too fat, they don't get paid. It's a tough world for those skinny heifers. I know I just called them skinny cows. Ha. Maybe they eat a lot of skinny cow ice cream. Which is pretty good, by the way. Back to that article, the woman was a mom. And obviously struggling with post baby weight and was intimidated by these women. I'm intimidated by them. The world perceives women as what they should be not as what they are, but that's another post in itself. I'm intimidated by them, but I think it's awesome they can have barely any clothes on, and feel proud. I wish that evil twin would let me do that sometimes. I'm betting some of those girls have an evil twin too. The next time you look in a mirror, think about that evil twin and tell her to shove it. I'm about to get ready for bed, and I think I'll have a stern talking to her tonight. At least until the morning, then she'll peer her evil judging eyes back at me.

Phat Fat Chick...

Wednesday, May 28, 2014

I love my best friend & first place memories...

If you're my Facebook friend, you may have seen the unfortunate event that happened to me at Angels of Assisi on Saturday. I'm still a little devastated from the outcome of that event and I really wish things would have worked out. I know I need to get on track to weight loss, and I promise I will, but I needed to say something first.

I love my best friend, Valentine. I have been lucky enough to have her in my life for the past 5 almost 6 years, and I wouldn't trade a single day. Saturday, I was hot, irritated at the situation, and I said things to her when we got in the car about how she was a bad dog. She's not and I regret it. I was just so upset and I took it out on her when I should have taken it out on the lady who caused part of the problem and myself for being so silly. This dog is a lot of my life. I do a lot to please her and make sure she is happy. She's my child. I get upset when someone talks about her and I don't like it when people don't like her. I think everyone should like. She's adorable. Duh! So I need to apologize to the best, sweetest girl. Even though she can't read my blog, her doggie computer is on the fritz, I just had to put that out there.

Back to regularly scheduled writing:

Some of you don't know me really well. So I thought I'd share some of my previous weight loss success stories and my future plans...

When I was about 12, I was a big girl for my age. As I've said, I've always been big. I walked about 3 miles a day and lost a ton of weight. I was the fittest I've ever been. I could blame my mom and dad for making me gain weight, but I was 12, I wanted junk food. SO of course I gained all of my weight back, and then some.

When I was getting ready to head to Liberty when I was 21, I actually lost 60 pounds. I was doing great. I started going to a group at my church called First Place. It was a bible study group and we had weight loss along with it. I honestly miss those ladies sometime so much. I see them at church now, and I really regret the church wasn't able to keep the group going. I loved the fellowship, bible study and just them in general. I'm a group person. I love to be in group settings. I love to talk in groups, some people would say that is not true, if you've ever talked to me in some groups, I just have to feel comfortable and unjudged. Sometimes that's a hard thing to do and I'm getting better at coping.

When I was about 26, I found another church group, that was doing Bod 4 God. Great book and I'm friends with the author on Facebook, who is a great man, and very inspirational pastor. He's got great information on his page about his book and I'd be happy to let anyone read my copy. I lost about 30 pounds.

The point of this post, I do weight loss in a group setting a lot better than I do in a single only me setting. I've tried to get my dad on track with me and he just gets tired of it after a while and it makes me derail with him. Honestly, I know weight watchers works for some, but I'm not paying $12-$15 a week for someone to talk to me about how to lose weight. I've done enough research, I know what foods to eat and I know how to do it, I just need the support of a group to do it. It makes it easier for my mind frame.

Why does a group weight loss setting help me? Honestly, it's about embarrassment. I don't want to be that one that doesn't lose weight when everyone else does. I never wanted to be the one that had to say she gained weight. It shakes me to my core. I remember before starting First Place the first bible study group, I'd go to McDonalds during my lunch, get two double cheeseburgers, large french fries and a large sweet tea. I know it's sad. I know it's awful and stereotypical of a fat person. I couldn't help it. I stress eat. I eat when I'm happy. I eat when I'm sad. I eat when I feel anything. It's my natural reaction to food. I love it. I love McDonalds, I still do. I love sweet tea. It's addicting for me. I know it's pathetic. I know I shouldn't go there. I know. It doesn't helping knowing and not knowing how to stop it. I can detox all I want, I can cleanse, but it's in me to want those things. In a group setting, fear sets in. I can shut those cravings off. I have the willpower and groups bring it out in me. I'm super duper competitive. I hate losing. Ask my nephews. Aunt Manta can sometimes be a little crazy at basketball games or any sporting event usually. I love winning. I love being that person that everyone envies because she lost 10 pounds. Or just because I lost weight period. I love the gratification of other people telling you how awesome you are because you've gotten one step closer to your goal.

I loved the way the leader of First Place set it up. It was a good motivator. We all had cards that we had filled out with our information. Each week, we all got new motivational partners. We were supposed to email them or call them and talk to that person, find out if they're struggling or if they just needed someone to talk to. It worked well for me. I had some great friends come out of that situation. I think it was awesome. I loved having someone ask me about my week. It's similar to having a sponsor for alcoholics. I mean, that person is who you're supposed to call if you wanted to eat a donut and you've already had 3. Or just because you needed someone to talk you out of driving to McDonalds for a 5 happy meal dinner. I think it works. I think it helps. I believe that those women holding you accountable is a great way to keep you on track. It's a great way to connect to. You didn't have to talk about food, you could just talk about your week. We had to track our food on sheets of paper and you could just ask how they're tracking was. It was a great feeling.

I remember the first time I stepped on the scale at First Place. When I saw that number come up, I wanted to cry. It's the reason I haven't stepped on a scale recently. I'm afraid I'll cry and it's not even about weight necessarily for me. I want to be fit, toned and skinnier, but my weight is necessarily relevant to that. I remember thinking "Amanda, you're a monster. You could totally squish a person right now with your body weight". I was right. I did something about it then and I will do something about it now.

I've looked online trying to find another group and the closest one is in Fincastle. That's not acceptable for me. SO I'm in the process of trying to find a meeting place to hold a weight loss group. It won't be super formal, it'll be a weigh-in every week thing, and it'll be self tracked in a notebook that will be held with me. I'm not going to read your weight, I've got my own issues to worry about, but it will be filled with advice, and filled with helpful hints. I know of some great nutritionists that would love to come speak and help us. So hang in there, I'm working on it. I just need to work out the complete details. It'll happen though, if I have to do it here at my house. We're doing it! So pay attention, news coming soon!

Phat Fat Chick

Tuesday, May 27, 2014

The Commodores have no idea what a real woman is...

Sorry it's been a few days since I've written. The holiday came up on me and I got so busy. I'm sorry if you've missed me. I'll try not to miss so many days again! ;-)

My mom loves the song Brickhouse. Who doesn't? It's a super catchy song and I never really listened to the lyrics until tonight. I knew the song was about a girl with a killer body, that's just common sense...I just never inspected the lyrics, and processed what it meant.

Here are the lyrics incase you don't know them:

She's a brick house, she's mighty mighty
And just lettin' it all hang out and she's a brick house
And like lady's stacked and that's the fact
Ain't holding nothing back, she's a brick house
We're here together everybody knows
This is how the story goes

She knows she's got everything
That a woman needs to get a man
How can she lose with the sex she use
36-24-36, what a winning hand

She's a brick house, she's mighty mighty
And she's lettin' it all hang out and she's a brick house
And like lady's stacked and that's the fact
Ain't holding nothing back she's a brick house
Yeah she's the one, the only one built like an Amazon

The clothes she wears, her sexy ways
Make a old man wish for younger days
She knows she's built and knows how to please
Sure enough to knock a strong man to his knees

'Cause she's a brick house yeah she's mighty mighty
Just lettin' it all hang out a brick house
And like lady's stacked and that's the fact
Ain't holding nothing back

Brick house yeah she's mighty mighty
And just lettin' it all hang out
Brick house yeah she's the one the only one
Built like a Amazon yeah

Shake it down, shake it down, shake it down
Oh well brick house

I like the lyrics. All up until he says her measurements. 36-24-36, the perfect woman. I'd love to be that size. I never will be. My body is bountifully blessed in certain areas that my personal frame wouldn't handle these measurements. Does this mean I'm not a brickhouse?? Uh no.

I'm a brickhouse in my own right. No, none of the lyrics in the song apply to me. I suppose I am mighty, mighty like a mighty kids meal at Mcdonald's. Full of fun, a little pricey and more to love than a normal happy meal. I am killer at other things though. I haven't had a song written about me though, maybe someday in the future that could happen. I need to make that happen. I know, back on track. I am a super artsy person. Honestly, I've never done many art things I wasn't really good at. I know a little bragging, but that never hurt anyone. I love drawing, painting, sewing, crocheting, knitting, spinning, and I can just keep going on and on. I'm a great talker. I'm a brickhouse at that. I'm good at different things, I'm just not a perfect brickhouse body....yet. (Or at least close to my personal brickhouse body goal)

I am definitely proud of who I am. I have done a lot in my life. I've been married & divorced. I've been all over the world. I've met amazing people and I'm still meeting them everyday. I remember in the movie Pride and Prejudice they talk about an accomplished woman. I feel I'm accomplished. I'm happy with where I am at this point. Weight wise, no, I'm not. I looked at myself in a picture yesterday, and it makes me sad. I know, no pity parties. I didn't throw myself a pity party, it made me work that much harder today in dance class. I wasn't feeling the greatest this morning, I had swimmer's ear, I had a horrible headache, but every time I wanted to give up and go sit in the lobby for a few minutes, I kept trucking on. I know I need to keep pushing through. I was miserable this morning when I woke up. I missed a few days last week with the holiday, working on organizing my craft room(that's a job in itself), so I knew today, I definitely needed to get there. SO I went, fought through the pain. I love the idea of being able to go even when I'm sick. After I was done, my swimmer's ear had stopped bothering me, the medicine finally worked, and I still had a headache, but I felt amazing.

So I'm one step closer to my goal. I'm one step closer to overcoming those feelings when I don't want to get up and go workout, because I love every minute of the hour. For those who are fighting the same issues I am, while I'm still working on losing weight, I found some amazing clothing designers for plus size women's clothes.

First: And maybe my next post, I'll rant about the sizing chart she uses. It's definitely a little disturbing for me. It's cheap for a great dress too!

http://www.ashleynelltipton.com/

Second:
http://www.swakdesigns.com (Cami pictured is from them)

Super cute clothes from both of these designers!

Phat Fat Chick

She's a brick house
She's mighty mighty
Just lettin' it all hang out

She's a brick house
I like lady's stacked and that's a fact
Ain't holding nothing back

She's a brick house
Well we're together, everybody knows
This is how here's how the story goes

She knows she got everything
A woman needs to get a man, yeah
How can she lose with what she use?
36-24-36, what a winning hand

'Cause he's a brick house
She's mighty mighty
Just lettin' it all hang out

She's a brick house
I like lady's stacked and that's a fact
Ain't holding nothing back

She's a brick house
Yeah, she's the one, the only one
Built like an Amazon

The clothes she wears, the sexy ways
Make an old man wish for younger days, yeah
She knows she's built and knows how to please
Sure enough to knock a strong man to his knees

'Cause she's a brick house
Yeah, she's mighty mighty
Just lettin' it all hang out

Brick house
I like lady's stacked and that's a fact
Ain't holding nothing back

Shake it down, shake it down now
Shake it down, shake it down now
Shake it down, shake it down now
Shake it down, shake it down

Shake it down, shake it down now
Shake it down, shake it down now
Shake it down, shake it down now
Shake it down now

Brick house
Yeah, she's mighty mighty
Just lettin' it all hang out

Brick house
Yeah, she's the one, the only one
Built like an Amazon, yeah

Shake it down, shake it down, shake it down now
Shake it down, shake it down, shake it down now
Shake it down, shake it down, shake it down now
Shake it down, shake it down, shake it, shake it

Shake it down, shake it down, shake it down now
Shake it down, shake it down, shake it down now
Shake it down, shake it down, shake it down now
Shake it down, shake it down, shake it

I want a brick house

Friday, May 23, 2014

Beauty comes in all shapes and sizes...

As I've said before, I read a lot of blogs. I saw this picture floating across the internet.

Meet Ajay Rochester. She's formally a skinnier woman. I've read some awful comments about this picture. All completely unjustified. I have mixed feelings about this picture, but negative comments are not worthy of repeating. Some were downright awful.

First before I get any further, let me say, her confidence is amazing. I would never have the self esteem at my size to wear a bikini in public. I just am not there personally. The fact she can, I'm very intrigued and proud of her. And I think she's beautiful. Her personality shines in her confidence and makes her that much more beautiful.

So let's start with the first thing I thought of when I saw this picture...

I love the bathing suit. I personally don't like to be that exposed in my chest area, I don't wear tops that are cut that way for a reason. I feel over exposed and uncomfortable. She's totally rockin' it. It's probably not the most flattering bikini, but she's gettin' it. She's standing up for her right to wear a bikini. There are no laws that say that bigger people can't wear what they want. She's saying "Big is beautiful" and it is. We all need to rely a little more on people's personalities, than their looks. It's the age old saying. We all say to do that, yet all of us at some point have judged someone. It's in our human nature. I am very proud of her courage. She has more than I would, more than a lot of us would.

Ok, now to the next view I had...She's saying it's ok to be "overweight". Don't make that face.

I know it seems a little immature to think that, but she is. She's bigger and she's happy, but is she healthy? I'm happy, I'm bigger, but I'm not healthy. I can sit here and say, I'm fat and proud, I'm not. I'm not healthy. I'm not going to be able to survive at this rate. Diabetes running on both sides of my bloodlines, I'm destined to be a diabetic unless I make changes. I'm destined to have high blood pressure. I'm destined to be a candidate for stroke. That's not healthy. That's not ok. I don't want that life. I don't want to be paralyzed, lose legs, have health issues just because I can't control my eating patterns. I'm thankful for her standing up for fat equality, but I'm also upset that it seems to be a version of acceptance. You shouldn't accept yourself as unhealthy. I don't accept the path I was on. I will not be another stereotypical overweight woman. I will not be a stereotypical anything. I just feel that showing herself unhealthy, isn't helping anyone. If she was healthy, working out every day, and toning her body, eating healthy and couldn't lose weight for health reasons like a thyroid, I'd get it. I just feel saying it's ok to compromise your health for food, is just not the picture we should be sharing with the world.

I know some people may think that I'm missing the point of the picture. I'm not. I get it. I'm thankful a larger woman can show others how beautiful we really are. I'm amazed by her confidence, and her spunk. I think it's amazing a woman like her has the career she does and she is on the fast track to a bigger one. It's amazing. I'm sure she's heard snickers and laughs behind her as she's worn that bikini. I'm sure it's hurtful. I couldn't imagine. So more power to you if you have that thick armadillo skin, I just don't.

Congrats Ajay Rochester. You're doing amazing things. Keep it up.

Phat Fat Chick

Thursday, May 22, 2014

Skinny Shaming...Envy is the beginning of the end...

I heard the song by Christina Perri "I'm only human". Amazing song by the way. I'm only human. It made me think about being myself and how I envy people everyday. How I envy certain people's bodies, or their life. I think we all do at some point in our life. Someone is prettier than we are, someone is skinnier than we are, someone has more money than we do, or a better job. I've always known that envy and jealousy is an awful feeling. It leads to depression, and self destruction.

So what does this have to do with anything? Skinny shaming someone is envy. I'm guilty of this. I'm guilty of looking at someone with an amazing body and feeling like I just need to hand them a donut. It's the same thing as them telling me not to eat a donut. My nephew, he's 16, and he's super skinny, and super athletic. He can eat like a horse and never gain a pound. It makes me sick. I always tell him he needs to eat. I'll joke with him and say eat something. I'm diminishing his self confidence. Just as he would if he called me fat. He'd never say that, he's an awesome man. I'm amazed and blessed to have him in my life. I don't think about it, because I feel like it shouldn't be a big deal for him, because he's skinny. I guess, in my mind, it felt like he shouldn't have low self confidence because he's skinny and a great looking man. I'm just surprised that I haven't thought of it before tonight. He hates having his picture taken, which didn't occur to me, that he has low self esteem and I'm adding fuel to the fire. I'm proud of him and I need to appreciate the man he is, not who I think he should be.

I would never want someone to look at me and say something about my eating habits. It'd be embarrassing, and it'd truly would hurt my feelings. I think I'd cry about it. I'm fragile in the self-esteem area. Envy is a virus. It starts with something small. Maybe it's someone just lost 5 pounds, and I only lost 2. It starts an immediate distaste for yourself. You feel like you're not good enough, you feel lost, you feel like you've done a lot of work for nothing. I've been there. I've been to thousands of classes, like First Place, which I actually did very well with, I just haven't been able to find another group yet. I've been in a room where a woman lost weight and I gained and having to tell them that. Feeling that embarrassment, sadness, & disgust. I hated that feeling, it is a very good motivator for some and some it's a stop sign. An easy way out. Envy leads to destruction.

James 3:16
For where jealousy and selfish ambition exist, there will be disorder and every vile practice.

How true is this? Personally, from my own experience, it's always true. If I force selfish ambition because of something I am jealous of, I'm never successful. I never reach my targeted goal. Which is true with weight loss. If I focus on trying to get a certain person's body, or look like a certain person, that's a selfish ambition from a jealous act. I'm doing it for the right reasons. I should be focused on the reasons of making my body more healthy and active. Not striving for the impossible. I will never look like someone else. It's the beauty of being a creature of God. I will always be me, I can't change who I am to be someone else.

So the next time you look at a skinny person and begin to envy them for their size, or their fashion, and you want to hand them a donut, remember, it's a long path of self destruction. You'll create chaos on your own path. Instead of skinny shaming, think about that envy. Think about the path you're on, and be thankful that you are who you are. I see girls everyday with amazing bodies, and although I don't look like them, and can't dance exactly like them all the time, I'm blessed to know those girls and dance with them.

Phat Fat Chick

Tuesday, May 20, 2014

The next Disney Princess should be a weight-loss success story...

I know, you read the title and thought, she has lost her cotton pickin' mind. I haven't actually lost my mind. I think that Disney has these amazing girls who look like toothpicks in these extravagant gowns. Usually their life starts out pretty awful, they meet a man and then they live happily ever after.

So why not start with this beautiful princess, who isn't a size 2, maybe a size 22. She goes to the ball in a beautiful gown, meets the man of her dreams, gets married, and then later on loses weight for her personal health! That's not really a fairytale is it?? It's a great story, but it's not a cookie cutter fairytale. Neither is weight loss.

I read a lot of stories about weight loss. It always seems like it's this girl, she's overweight. She's miserable. She magically moves more and eats less over a year or longer period, sometimes less and she's like this super hot babe. Is it really that easy??! No it's not. You can't get off the couch one day, work out and eat less, and lose weight automatically. There's no true weight loss system that will cut your fat off in a day. It takes work. It's about your personal situation and body. Of course you have to work out, and you have to make better food choices. But the recipe for weight loss doesn't stop there. You have to have persistence, dedication, love, and a whole lot of determination. I'm just starting this journey for the last time, and every day, I wake up and it's a struggle.

I wish I was in a fairytale, what girl doesn't. I wish I had a prince charming that swept me off my feet. I don't. I don't believe that I'll ever have a cookie cutter fairytale. God has a bigger and greater direction for me.

I think that so many girls get wrapped up in fairytales and trying to fit their lives in a mold that they miss what's right in front of them. I've been married and divorced. I was that girl. I thought I had to have a man to be me. That couldn't be further from the truth. I'm more me, and more for me now than I ever was.

I will be successful. It may be 2 years down the road before I hit my goal weight. It may be longer. I can't look into a magic ball and tell you. But I can guarantee when I get there, I'll be there on my own. No fancy diets, no "Move more, eat less" mantra, no surgeries, no crap.

I think I had to first be honest with myself. I love sugar. Sugar is like cocaine to someone like me. If I detox my body from it, it makes curving cravings that much easier. I'll never be able to go a day without some type of sugar. I'm from the south. I like Sweet tea. ALOT. I always say I don't like sweets, but I do like things that contain sugar. I think that I will struggle with this addiction forever. I am like an alcoholic, it's a true disease. I've watched documentaries about becoming a vegan or vegetarian. I hate watching those animals die, but I still love my chicken, turkey and pork. I'm sorry. I can't help it.

I can walk into Dunkin' Donuts sometimes and not crave a single thing. I can also walk in there and crave a tray of donuts. I don't actually sit there and eat a tray...Chill out. I just think about that taste of sugar and it's like my personal high. I get excited, I can't wait to bite into it. I'm actually craving one now, writing this. I love the strawberry frosted with sprinkles. When I think about that, and I've actually looked it up, there is a meal worth of calories in one donut. 280 calories. It's crazy. I do splurge. You have too, or you'll splurge after you've lost all your weight and gain weight.

So the purpose of this...Weight loss is not a fairytale. Don't try to fit yourself into a cookie cutter story. We all have a purpose.

Phat Fat Chick