Bullies are just mean people who need to cut other people down to make themselves feel better. I have no respect for a bully. I have no remorse for the punishment bullies receive. I have no sad feeling for any bullies. I'm tired of people being mistreated and picked on for their looks. When someone is being bullied, the punishment should be cruel. It should be unusal. It should be tough. No holding back.
Now I have to be completely honest...I'm a bully. I'm a bully to myself. I'm ashamed. As I should be. Bullies are evil. For those who are just joining us, I messed up my knee. I can walk, but it hurts if I twist it too much, or try to walk to much and hurts going up and down stairs. I have really been hard on myself about it. I HATE missing my me time. I haven't been able to go for going on 3 weeks. It's not right. I don't like missing my dancing time, but I have to let myself heal, or it will be a lot worse. It's not getting better fast, because I can't learn when to stop. I walk up and down the hill at least twice a day to feed the chickens. Of course I could ask my dad to help me, but I don't want to make him to my job. It hurts. I hate being that baby of a person who can't do what I want. Yes, you'll see me walking fine one day, and later that day, limping. It's probably because I won't stop and rest. SO this week, I've made a decision. Either it gets better by Wednesday, or I'm going to dance anyway on Thursday. I'm tired. I can feel my body going down hill. I don't like it. I didn't sign up for this. So I've been bullying myself. I've been telling myself that I'm just making excuses. I could go to dance and do some of the steps and just be careful. I could do that. Or I could stay fat and blame it on my knee. I've been bullying myself saying that I'm pitiful, still using that knee excuse. I hate when someone asks me how my knee is, because I feel like they're saying that I'm using it as a crutch to avoid working out. I don't need to work out to lose weight. I've lost 60 pounds by just eating better before, but I enjoy working out. I love it. I'm not using this as a crutch, I'm honestly petrified about the consequences if I move too much or move the wrong way. I'm scared it will be so bad, that I can't walk. I know it's easy for some people to say to go to the doctor. I wish I could. I don't have a primary physician, because I never get sick. I never need one. So for an appointment, the earliest one is August. Sad I know. I could go to the ER, but that's long wait times, and a lot of money. SO I'm nursing myself back to health alone. And I'm hard on myself. All the time.
I look at myself in the mirror and I tell me, Man that outfit looks awful. I bet everyone is making fun of you. Why wouldn't they? I am always picking on myself about my weight. I'm always picking on myself about my hair. About my face. About how white my skin is. How I do certain things a certain way. I'm never nice. I never compliment myself. I set high expectations that normal people could never live up to. I push myself when I need to slow down. I push harder. I tell myself it's not worth the trouble, because I'm always going to be the same. I am never nice. If I were to say to someone else the things I say to myself, I think I could make anyone cry. I could make people cry, and I could hurt a lot of feelings. I'm a bully. I'm an obnoxious mean bully.
If I couldn't say it to you, then why do I say it to myself?? Because I'm my own worse critic. I have such high expectations for myself, and I feel like I can do better on most occasions that I never feel satisfied. I want to be the best me. And I feel like I'm not. I'm not a person to feel sorry for myself. I don't like sympathy for things I can't change. Bad decisions, those are my own fault. I'm a bully when it comes to my bad decisions. I can't just let them go, I beat myself up over them. I can't let anything go.
I've read stories about bullies, beating up kids, causing kids to commit suicide. It's a sad, sad thing. I have no use for bullies. I have no use for someone who needs to cut someone else down to make themselves feel better. Bullies are always just as imperfect as we are, they can just manipulate it to their advantage easier. There are going to be bullies everywhere in our life. Ourselves, the cashier, the coworker, our parents sometimes. It's impossible to go through life without ever encountering a bully. The best thing to do is remember that you're the best you. That's all that matters. Words are just words. They can't kill you.
I've seen some pictures on Facebook recently of larger women wearing bikini's and things that on a normal basis, most women do not wear. In my mind, I hear myself bullying them. I know, it's wrong. I hear myself saying things that aren't nice. I hear myself picturing myself in those outfits and cutting myself down. I can hear the negativity. It's like a poison. I'm upset about one thing, in this particular time, my knee issues, and I take it out on a lot of people. I've not been very nice. I know some people don't want to hear this, but it's true. I'm human. I'm struggling right now, and I'm miserable. I hate not being the best me. I hate not being in control. I hate not being a bully. I AM A BULLY. I have no use for that version of myself. I have no use for that girl. She sucks. I hate this current version of myself. The one who is too depressed to write her blog. The one who is too depressed to be me. I hate the bully that lives in me. So today, I'm going to shut her down. I'm going to ignore her and anyone else who has the same opinions. I'm doing the best me, I can at this point. Yes, my weight loss journey has hit a snag. Yes, I eat when I'm depressed. I'm human. All I can at this point, is pray and heal. It'll all be ok and it will all work out. I'm still the best me I can be right now.
Phat Fat Chick
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